Marriage and Intimacy When You're LGBTQ and Figuring It Out

English Version

I remember sitting on the bathroom floor at 2 a.m. again, clutching my phone like it might give me answers. My wife was asleep, and I was wide awake, heart pounding, not from anger or sadness—just this weird emptiness. We were fine. Everything was fine. That’s what made it worse.

We’d been married two years. Came out together after years in straight-appearing marriages. Found each other late, like two ships rerouted in a storm. Everyone said how brave we were. And we were. But bravery doesn’t keep the lights on at 3 a.m.

The intimacy thing—it wasn’t just about sex, though that was part of it. It was about the silence between us that grew thicker even when we were talking. We were so busy doing everything right—couples therapy, affirmations, date nights with agendas—tbh, it felt like we were performing marriage instead of living it

I used to think intimacy meant sharing feelings on demand. Like, sit down, look into each others eyes, and unpack your week. But that never worked for us. My partner shuts down under pressure. I get pushy when Im scared. So we’d end up in this loop: I push, she folds, I feel guilty, she feels trapped. Rinse and repeat

What finally helped was ditching the script

Instead of scheduling deep talks, I started leaving little notes. Not lovey-dovey stuff. Just real. "Saw that ad for the sourdough place. You were right, looked overpriced." Or "Dreamt about your dog from high school. Weird."

Small, low-stakes things. No emotional labor required

And slowly, she started writing back. A doodle of a frowning avocado. A ticket stub from a movie she saw with her sister. Not grand gestures. But they kept the thread alive when words failed us

We also stopped calling everything a "conversation we needed to have". Some things just need space to breathe. Like when she came out as non-binary last year. I wanted to talk. To understand. To fix. But they kept saying "I dont know how to explain it yet. Just let me be."

So I did. I brought them soup when they were sick. Sat with them in silence watching trashy reality TV. Held space instead of filling it

Turns out that’s intimacy too

One thing I’ve learned—especially in LGBTQ marriages—is that we often try to model our relationships on straight ones without questioning whether those models even fit. Date nights. Anniversary trips. Even the way we fight. We copy the format but miss the point

For us, intimacy started coming back when we stopped copying

We created our own language. Not with words. With habits. Like always pausing the show when one of us leaves the room. Or how we touch each others ankle under the table at dinner. Tiny rituals that say, "I see you, I’m here"

And sex—yeah, that changed too. Less performance, more presence. We stopped aiming for grand romantic nights and started saying things like "Wanna just lie together for 20 minutes? No pressure."

Sometimes we’d fall asleep. Sometimes more happened. But the pressure lifted

If you’re in a same-sex or queer marriage and feeling disconnected, my advice isnt about communication hacks or scheduled intimacy

Its about lowering the stakes

Try this: pick one tiny, real thing you notice about your partner each day. Not what you love about them. Not what you miss. Just something real. The way they hum off-key in the shower. How they stack their keys on the hook. Then find a low-pressure way to acknowledge it—text it, write it, leave it in their coat pocket

See what grows from there

I used to think love meant grand declarations. Now I think it’s the quiet things we let each other get away with

Like not folding the towels. Or leaving the toothpaste cap off

And still choosing to stay

ngl, I still get it wrong all the time

Last week I brought up a fight from three months ago during a grocery run. They looked at me like I’d lost my mind. I probably had

But we laughed. And kept walking

Thats the thing

It’s not about getting it right

Its about showing up, even when you’re messy

Even when the script falls apart

Especially then