how do i bring up dating pasts?

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Question

so i’m 28 & this is my first real relationship with another woman. we’ve been together for like 5 months & things are actually going really well—like, i never thought i’d feel this comfortable with someone. but we’ve never really talked about our past relationships? she mentioned once she had a long-term ex who kinda messed her up, but that’s it. i don’t wanna push, but sometimes i wonder if i’m missing stuff that could help me understand her better.

i guess i’m also nervous about my own past? i’ve only dated dudes before, which feels weird to even say out loud. like, do i bring that up? does it matter? i don’t want her to think i’m comparing her to guys or whatever.

last week she flinched when i accidentally used a pet name my ex used—just a little thing, but it stuck with me. i don’t want to mess this up. how do i even start that convo without making it a whole thing? i don’t want it to feel like an interrogation. tbh, i’ve never had to talk about stuff like this before & i’m kinda lost.

we’re talking about moving in together, so… it feels kinda urgent?

Anonymous · Answer

i remember being in your exact shoes with my now-girlfriend. i waited way too long to bring up the past because i was scared it’d feel like prying or make things weird. what finally worked for us was just being honest in a low-pressure moment—like on a walk or cooking together—i said something like “hey i’ve been wondering about your ex just cause i want to get you not judge you.” she cried a little but said she appreciated i asked.

for your own past it’s okay to be nervous. i blurted mine out mid-laugh during wine night and it turned into this messy heartfelt thing that actually brought us closer. you don’t gotta do a big sit-down confessional just share a little when it feels right. maybe start with “i’ve been thinking about how we’ve never talked much about old relationships” and see where it goes. silence grows heavier the longer you carry it

how do i bring up dating pasts?

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