My partner shuts down during arguments and I end up talking to a wall

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Question

Every time we have a disagreement, my partner completely shuts down. He goes silent, stares blankly, and will not engage at all. He does not yell or get angry — he just checks out mentally. It makes me feel invisible and unheard, and I end up escalating just to get a reaction. I know that is toxic on my part too. How do we break this cycle?

Frank Chen · Accepted Answer

What you are describing is a classic pursuer-withdrawer dynamic. You pursue because the silence feels like abandonment; he withdraws because the intensity feels overwhelming. Neither of you is "wrong" — your nervous systems are just handling conflict differently. The fix: agree on a timeout protocol. When he starts to shut down, he says "I need 30 minutes" and you respect that pause. Then you reconvene. He gets space; you get the assurance that the conversation will continue. Over time, this builds safety for both of you.

My partner shuts down during arguments and I end up talking to a wall

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