How do I talk to him when he’s so changed?

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Question

We were good before he deployed. Like really good. We’d cook together, watch dumb shows, fall asleep talking. Now he’s back & it’s like living with a stranger. He wakes up screaming most nights. I try to touch him & he flinches. Last week he threw a glass across the kitchen cause I left the light on. I didn’t even know he was awake.

I get it, okay. I know war messes you up. But I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I miss the way he used to laugh at my terrible jokes. Miss lying close without feeling scared.

He shuts down every time I bring it up. Says “I’m fine” in that tone that means drop it. But he’s not fine. I’m not fine. We’re just… not talking. Not connecting.

I asked about counseling. He said no. Said he doesn’t need to “talk to some stranger.” I don’t know how to reach him. Part of me wants to leave. The other part remembers who he was.

What do I even say to get through? How do you love someone who won’t let you in.

Just want my partner back

Min-jun Park · Answer

my brother came back from deployment like this. wouldn’t talk, jumped at noises, stopped eating at the table. i kept trying to ‘fix’ it by doing more—cooking his favorite meals, touching his arm, asking if he was okay—and honestly? it made it worse.

what changed things was me shutting up and just… sitting with him. no pressure. i started leaving the tv on low during dinner even if he didn’t respond. one night i put my boots by the door like he always did—small thing—but he noticed. said it felt less heavy.

try texting him first before touching. like “hey, gonna hug you okay?” gives him time. and talk to his VA counselor—i know that sounds weird but they helped us find a couples session that wasn’t therapy therapy. just talking while doing a puzzle. weirdly helped.

and babe… you don’t have to carry this alone. i still cry in the shower sometimes. but he laughed at a meme yesterday. loud. felt like winning the lottery

How do I talk to him when he’s so changed?

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