How do we stop fighting over nothing after fleeing war?

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Question

we used to never argue like this but since we left home and got stuck in this limbo waiting for papers everything feels like a battle one minute were talking about dinner the next were screaming about who left the lights on and it’s not even about the lights it’s everything the stress the fear the not knowing if we can stay or have to move again next month my partner says i shut down and i say they nag but honestly i just can’t talk when im this exhausted we lost our jobs our friends our apartment back there and now we’re stuck in a tiny flat and every time we try to have a real talk it turns into a fight i snapped at them yesterday for no reason just because they asked if i wanted tea like who fights over tea we love each other i know we do but right now it feels like were drowning and pulling each other under instead of holding on it’s scary because i don’t recognize us anymore and i don’t know how to fix it without breaking first

Nadia Petrova · Answer

when we fled to germany i thought the hard part was over turns out it was just changing shape. my husband and i snapped at each other over toothpaste caps like we were saving up every fear and dumping it on small things. what helped us was a stupid little rule: if one of us says 'pause' we stop. no questions. just five minutes apart. we used to think that meant we were giving up but really it kept us from saying things we didnt mean. also we started taking walks even if just around the block no talking necessary just moving together. it sounds too simple but moving your body helps the stress move out of your chest. and one night we lit a candle and wrote down all the things we were actually mad about not the lights or dinner but the not knowing when we could feel safe again. we burned the paper. weird? maybe. but it helped. you two are carrying so much dont forget that

How do we stop fighting over nothing after fleeing war?

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