My wife's secretly talking to her ex for months

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Question

Found out my wife's been texting her ex almost every day for the past four months. She says it's just friendship, that they talk about books, music, stupid stuff. But she didn't tell me. I saw her phone by accident — she locked it fast, but I saw his name. When I asked, she got angry, said I'm being paranoid.

We've been married 12 years. Two kids. I work long shifts, sometimes drink too much after, come home late. She doesn't complain out loud, but I see it — the silence, the way she turns away in bed. I didn't say nothing wrong when I confronted her. Just asked why hide it? And she said he listens. That nobody else gets her.

Now I can't sleep. Feel like a fool. Is this normal? Is it really just friendship if you hide it? My father would say keep working, ignore it. But I'm not my father. I don't want to lose her, but I don't know how to fix this if she's still talking to him behind my back.

Michelle Corpuz · Answer

my sister went through something similar and i remember how messy it got. she said the texts started innocent too — music, memes, old memories — but the secrecy was what killed trust. one day she saw her husband’s phone, saw the same name pop up for months, and it gutted her. not because of the ex, but because he didn’t tell her they were even in touch.

you already know you haven’t been easy to be around lately. long shifts, drinking, coming home late — that takes a toll. she might be feeling lonely, and that ex is filling a space you’ve left open without meaning to.

but none of that makes the hiding okay.

sit down when the kids are asleep. not accusing, not angry. say what you saw, what it made you feel. then ask her straight: why didn’t you tell me? give her room to answer, but don’t drop it.

and hey — look at your own habits too. i had to cut back on drinking when my wife started pulling away. turns out she wasn’t mad at me — just missing me.

small things rebuild trust

My wife's secretly talking to her ex for months

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