Should I be doing all this work for his family already?

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Question

We've been together for 3 years, engaged for one. Every time I visit his province, his mom expects me to cook, clean, wash their clothes—even serve them at the table. His sisters just sit and scroll. I offered at first, trying to be nice, but now it's expected. Last weekend, his tita said 'You should practice, you'll be a wife soon' and I just froze. It's not that I hate helping—I grew up doing chores too—but this feels different. Like I'm being tested, or worse, already treated like unpaid help. When I told him, he said 'That's how it is in the province, what can we do?' It's like that naman eh, but still… Shouldn't he at least notice I'm uncomfortable? I'm starting to wonder if marrying him means losing myself before we even start. Ganun ba sila sa all relationships? di ba?

Anonymous · Answer

Honestly, I saw this and thought of my own partner back home in Davao. My fiancée used to do everything for my lola’s house—cook, scrub, even fetch water—kasi she wanted to be ‘good’. But after a while, it wasn’t respect, it was expectation. Super unfair. I told her, 'Babe, you’re not their maid. Help if you want to, but not because they’re waiting for you to.'

I learned the hard way: once you start doing it all, they stop seeing you as a guest. And that ‘practice’ line? Naman, that’s pressure in a dress.

Next time, don’t jump into chores. Greet everyone, sit down, joke a little. If his mom asks, say sweet but firm: 'Auntie, let’s eat first, I’m tired from the trip. I’ll help later, *if* I can.' Set the tone na.

And talk to your fiancé. Not when you’re mad, but quiet-like: 'Your family treats me like staff. How do you see me—with your family?' His answer will tell you everything.

If he shrugs or says ‘eh kasi ganun sila’, then you’ve got a bigger talk coming. ❤️

Should I be doing all this work for his family already?

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