Who am I without him after 12 years?

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Question

We got married when I was 23. I dropped my job after a year because lola said it’s better for the family if I stay home. Now we’re separated and I don’t even know what I like anymore. Foods, movies, even how I dress—it’s all ‘what would he want?’ on loop. Sometimes I catch myself mimicking his laugh. Ganun ba? Like, who the hell am I?

I used to paint. Now I just scroll and cry at commercials. Yes po, he said that when we fought—he needed space but still expected me to cook his bulalo every Sunday. It’s like that naman eh, you just… keep going. But now that he’s gone, I feel nothing. Or maybe I feel everything and don’t know how to sort it. My mom keeps asking if we’ll reconcile. Tita says I should just move on, but how do you move on when you don’t know where you start and he ends? I look at my hands and wonder if they even belong to me. 💔

Anonymous · Answer

It took me three years after my marriage ended to wear red lipstick. Not because I didn’t own any, but because I couldn’t remember if it was something *I* liked or just something he tolerated. I think maybe you start small—like, what did your hands want to do before they learned how to fold laundry exactly the way he liked? For me, it was clay. I bought a tiny pot from a weekend market, just to touch it. Didn’t even plant anything. Just kept it on the windowsill. Felt stupid at first. Then one day I watered it and realized I did it for me, not for the plant.

You still paint. It’s just sleeping. Try opening the windows, let some light in. Put on music he hated. Eat something messy. Burn the bulalo if you want.

I am troubled when I think about how long we disappear… but maybe you’re not lost. Maybe you’re just returning

Who am I without him after 12 years?

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