Every time we fight, they say they're done

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Question

we’ve been together 3 years, and every single argument ends with "i can’t do this anymore" or "i’m leaving". last week we were fighting about me working late (again), and she just said, "that’s it, i’m out" and stayed at her sister’s. came back next day like nothing happened. when i brought it up, she said i take her threats too seriously. but it’s not just talk — she actually leaves. missed our anniversary dinner last year cause she “needed space” after a dumb text mix-up. makes me feel like i’m walking on eggshells all the time. my mama always said love shouldn’t make you feel scared, but what if she really does leave? then what? idk, part of me wonders if it’s me — like, am i not showing up right? but another part feels played. she’s got family watching, you know? we’re supposed to be building something. but how you build with someone who keeps one foot out the door? 🤦

Shanti Nair · Answer

my ex did this exact thing and i stayed for 2 years tiptoeing around her moods like i was walking through a minefield every time she'd say 'im done' i'd panic rearrange my whole week cancel plans just to chase her back and it always ended the same — short silence then back like nothing happened until it happened again

what finally clicked for me was realizing this isn’t just drama it’s a pattern of using exit threats as control and yeah maybe she doesn’t mean every word but the impact is real you’re living in constant anxiety and your relationship deserves better than that

try this: next time she says 'im out' don’t beg don’t chase just say 'okay i care about you but i can’t do this cycle anymore if you leave i’ll need space too' then actually give yourself space

it feels scary at first but you’ll start seeing who’s serious about fixing things vs just yelling louder when uncomfortable

i did it got ghosted for 3 days then she finally came to therapy honest lol but it stuck

Every time we fight, they say they're done

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