How do I talk to my wife after she came out?

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Question

So my wife came out as transgender a few months ago and honestly it’s been a lot to take in we’ve been together 12 years and have two kids and I love her but I don’t always know how to talk to her anymore like the other night she asked me to use her new name in front of the kids and I froze I just said the old one out of habit and she looked so hurt … I apologized but it’s like I keep messing up little things and I don’t wanna make her feel unseen but I’m also trying to process my own feelings which are all over the place my mom keeps saying it’s just a phase and my dad won’t even talk to me about it and honestly sometimes I wonder if I can do this long term because I didn’t sign up for this part but I don’t want to lose her either and with the divorce stuff starting to feel like a real possibility it’s making me panic a little idk if that makes me a bad person but it’s hard

Kenji Watanabe · Answer

honestly i remember freezing up too when my partner first asked me to use their new name in front of family it’s like my brain just short-circuited & i blurted out the old one... the look on their face crushed me i went home and started writing the new name on sticky notes everywhere—fridge, mirror, my phone wallpaper—little things helped me rewire my brain we also had a code word like 'butterfly' so if i slipped up in public they could gently tap my hand & say it and we’d both know what it meant no shame just a reset we also started saying the name out loud together every morning while making coffee it felt silly at first but it stuck the other thing? i started journaling my messy feelings so they didn’t spill out in conversations she didn’t ask for my grief but i needed to hold it somewhere else so i didn’t weigh her down with it still screw up sometimes but now when i do i apologize quick and keep going no big speech just 'sorry, love, i meant [name]' & we move on

How do I talk to my wife after she came out?

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