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Communication

How do I tell my wife I'm not ready for kids?

So we've been married for three years and things are good, really good—we met on a dating app and both knew pretty fast this was the one—but lately we’ve been butting heads about kids. She’s 31 and says her biological clock is ticking and she wants to start trying within the year. I get that, I really do, but I’m just not there yet. I love my job, we just bought a house, and honestly I feel like we’re still figuring out being adults together let alone raising a kid. When I said I needed more time she got quiet and then said I’m being selfish and it gutted me. I don’t think I am but maybe I am? I don’t want to hold her back but I also can’t imagine being a dad right now, like my life would feel locked in and I’m still trying to figure out who I even am outside of work and marriage. We’ve talked about it a few times but it always ends with her crying or me shutting down. I love her so much lol but I don’t know how to make her feel heard without pretending I’m ready when I’m not. How do I say that without it sounding like I don’t want this with her at all?

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Emma Johansson

85 rep

22 days ago

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Key Takeaways

my wife and i had this exact fight two years ago.

1 Answer

A
Ali Yilmaz
50 rep
22 days ago
my wife and i had this exact fight two years ago. we were in the same spot—new house, careers heating up, and she was ready to go full baby mode. i felt guilty saying no, like i was letting her down. but i was honest, not with a big dramatic speech but over wine one night, i just said 'i love you, and i want kids eventually, but if we start now i’m scared i’ll resent it or not be present.' gave her space to feel what she felt. we set a timeline—six months to talk more, meet a financial planner, and she went to therapy to unpack the clock thing. ended up pushing to 18 months and it was the best choice. point is, don’t shut it down, just ask for time. frame it as 'us vs the problem' not 'me vs you.' also—schedule the convo. don’t just wing it. we did it on a walk, no phones, and it changed everything.

How do I tell my wife I'm not ready for kids?

Asked by

Emma Johansson

85 rep

22 days ago

12 views

1 answer

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Your email is only used for this notification. We won't spam you.

Key Takeaways

my wife and i had this exact fight two years ago.

1 Answer

A
Ali Yilmaz
50 rep
22 days ago
my wife and i had this exact fight two years ago. we were in the same spot—new house, careers heating up, and she was ready to go full baby mode. i felt guilty saying no, like i was letting her down. but i was honest, not with a big dramatic speech but over wine one night, i just said 'i love you, and i want kids eventually, but if we start now i’m scared i’ll resent it or not be present.' gave her space to feel what she felt. we set a timeline—six months to talk more, meet a financial planner, and she went to therapy to unpack the clock thing. ended up pushing to 18 months and it was the best choice. point is, don’t shut it down, just ask for time. frame it as 'us vs the problem' not 'me vs you.' also—schedule the convo. don’t just wing it. we did it on a walk, no phones, and it changed everything.

How do I tell my wife I'm not ready for kids?

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How do I tell my wife I'm not ready for kids?

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