how do i balance family money demands and my partner?

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Question

okay so my parents have always expected me to send $300 every month since i got my first real job. i’m trans, and they never really got it, but they still call me 'good son' like it’s some twisted badge of honor. anyway, i’ve been doing it for years, even after moving in with my girlfriend, Maya. she’s amazing, supports me through everything, surgeries, the whole thing.

but last month she snapped. said we can’t keep saving for our apartment if i’m sending that much home. she’s not wrong—i want that life with her too. but when i tried talking to my mom, she started crying about how they sacrificed everything for me to be ‘normal’ now. which…ouch. and triggering.

i love my family but i’m tired. tired of being the bank, tired of the guilt. Maya says i gotta set boundaries, but every time i try, i feel like i’m betraying them. how the hell do i say no without losing them? or am i just making excuses to keep hurting myself?

idk. i just feel stuck.

Jackson Lee · Answer

my mom used to expect money every month too — $250, called it 'support' but really it was control. i kept paying because i thought if i stopped, they’d kick me out of the family for good. but when i moved in with my partner, same thing happened — we were scrimping on groceries so i could wire cash home and she finally said 'i can’t watch you drain yourself for people who don’t see you'

it hit me hard because she was right. what changed was me setting a firm boundary: i told my parents i’d send $100 max from now on, no explanations. first month they guilt-tripped hard, said i’d turned selfish. i just repeated the same sentence: 'this is what i can do now.'

maybe try capping it at $150 — enough to keep the peace but not sink your future. you don’t owe them full access to your paychecks just for existing. and Maya sees you. really sees you. that’s rare. don’t trade that for performative family duty

my cat just puked on the couch anyway

how do i balance family money demands and my partner?

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