How do I deal with my wife’s passive-aggression?

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Question

okay so my wife has this thing where she never just says what’s wrong. like the other day i asked if she wanted me to pick up groceries and she said 'whatever, it doesn’t matter' — but later i find out she was mad i didn’t get her fav hummus. this happens ALL the time. she’ll leave little comments like 'guess you're busy for dinner' when i’m working late, but won’t admit she wanted me home. it’s exhausting. i’ve brought it up and she says she’s 'fine' but then the silent treatment or snarky little remarks come back. we’ve been together 7 years and married 2, and honestly? i’m tired. i love her but i feel like i’m walking on eggshells. ngl, i’m starting to think we might be better apart if this doesn’t change. we’ve talked about therapy but she keeps cancelling appointments. is this something people actually fix or am i just hoping for something that won’t happen? i don’t want to divorce but i can’t keep living like this.

Aaliyah Jackson · Answer

my wife used to do this too and man it drove me up the wall. i finally realized she wasn’t trying to punish me — she was scared to start a fight. we started doing this thing after dinner two or three times a week where we just check in. no phones. i ask “what’s one thing that bugged you this week” and i actually shut up and listen. took a few tries but now she’ll say stuff like “i know it sounds dumb but i was sad you didn’t text me when you were running late.” small stuff but it helps. also i started naming the behavior gently like “hey was that a passive-agro hummus comment?” and she’ll laugh and admit it. weirdly the joke cracked it open. don’t do it when she’s already mad though. wait for a calm moment. and yeah sometimes we still fumble but at least now we can talk about that too

How do I deal with my wife’s passive-aggression?

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