How do I not lose him when I move abroad?

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Question

So I just got offered this dream job in Berlin... it’s amazing but it’s for at least 18 months and I don’t know what to do about Mark. We’ve been dating for 10 months and it’s been really good—like, we talk every day, he’s the first person I want to tell dumb stuff to, and he actually listens. But we’ve never talked about long-term stuff, not really. I don’t even know if he’d want to try long distance. I brought it up and he said “we’ll figure it out” but he didn’t sound excited, more like... resigned? I keep thinking about how my parents fucked up their marriage with work trips and I don’t want to be that person pulling someone away from their life. But I also can’t say no to this. We’ve been kind of avoiding the topic since then and it’s making me anxious all the time. I’ve been seeing a therapist off and on and she says something about my anxious attachment but honestly I just need to know—how do people actually make this work? Or do they? Do you just accept that some relationships can’t survive something like this... even if you care about each other?

Anonymous · Answer

Okay i went through almost the exact thing when I moved to Lisbon for a year. My boyfriend at the time said “we’ll figure it out” too and honestly that phrase? Never means much. What helped us was actually scheduling a real talk—not just “we’ll figure it out” but setting a date to say okay what does this actually look like. We picked a weekend, video call, no distractions. We laid out the basics: how often would we message, can he visit in 3 months, would I come back for holidays. Turns out he wasn’t ready for the effort and we broke up two weeks before I left. Sucked but better than dragging it out.

What I’d say: give yourself a week or two to process the job offer, then ask Mark to talk—no pressure, just honesty. Say something like “I love this opportunity but I care about us. Can we chat about what this could look like?” See if he brings up plans or visits or ways to stay close. If he shrugs or says “idk” a lot… that’s your answer.

Dream jobs don’t come often. Don’t give it up unless he’s truly all in.

How do I not lose him when I move abroad?

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