Is it normal to feel lonely in a marriage like this?

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Question

we’ve been together for five years, married two… he’s from Brazil, I’m from Osaka. my family never really said it out loud but… you can feel the silence when we visit. anyway, lately I’ve noticed he goes out every Thursday with his friends, never invites me, and when I ask he says it’s his ‘personal time’ and everyone needs space. he comes home late, sometimes not until morning, and his phone is always face down. we don’t fight, but… I don’t know, it’s like sharing a house with a polite roommate. last week I saw he posted photos from a trip to Kyoto with three guys… none of me. I asked and he said, ‘I told you, everyone has parts of life they keep to themselves.’ and maybe that’s true, but… why do I feel like I’m the only one trying to make this feel like a home? his friends know me, laugh with me at gatherings, but somehow I’m not part of his life… only my presence when it’s convenient. the situation has become difficult… I keep wondering if I’m asking for too much or if this is just how things are supposed to be…

Nittaya Chansom · Answer

i went through something similar with my husband—three years in, and suddenly every week was 'gym night' on wednesdays. turned out it wasn’t the gym. we’re from different countries too, so i thought maybe it was cultural... but silence from my side just made it worse. what changed was when i stopped asking 'where are you going' and started saying 'i miss you when you’re gone.' try writing him a short note instead of confronting him—just how you feel, no blame. leave it on his pillow. and next thursday, make plans for yourself. go see a movie or meet a friend. i did that once and he came home early, asking why i didn’t wait up. that’s when we finally talked. boundaries work both ways. also… check if he uses whatsapp—brazilians love it, and sometimes stuff hides there ngl. you deserve to feel seen, not just housed

Is it normal to feel lonely in a marriage like this?

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