Is this love or just fear of being alone?

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Question

We've been together 3 years, living together most of that. Met at a church picnic back home in Ohio—everyone loved her, my mom kept saying how she'd make a good wife. Which, yeah, we talk marriage sometimes. But it feels... automatic? Like we're just going through the motions because it's comfortable.

I work days at the auto shop, she's a dental hygienist. We watch TV, eat dinner, go to bed. Weekends we see my folks or hers, do yard work. Nothing's bad, but nothing's really lit, you know?

Last month she said if I don't propose soon she might leave. That freaked me out. I want to make her happy, but I'm not sure I'm doing this because I'm in love or 'cause I don't wanna face starting over. I hate being alone, honestly.

We don't fight or anything, but we don't really talk about hard stuff either. Like when my dad lost his job, I didn't say a word. She didn't push. We just... kept doing the dishes.

So how do you know if it's real? Or are we just two scared people holding on 'cause letting go feels worse?

Théo Fontaine · Answer

My cousin was in the exact same spot—2 years in, talking marriage, everyone assumed they’d end up together. But he kept asking himself why he wasn’t excited, just… resigned. He told me one night over cheap beer, 'I think I’m scared of the quiet, not scared of losing her.' That hit me hard because I’d felt the same way after my first serious breakup.

You don’t have to rush to break up or propose—just press pause and create space to feel. Try this: go visit a buddy out of state for a weekend or even just stay at a cheap motel for a night alone. I did that last year and it was weird how just being in a different room with no routines made stuff click. When I came back I finally knew what I actually wanted, not what I thought I should want.

If being alone feels scarier than staying in a lukewarm relationship then that’s the real issue not her. Figure out who you are outside the couple role—take a class, drive somewhere with no plan, say no to a family dinner. Real love shouldn’t feel like inertia

Is this love or just fear of being alone?

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