My partner says no sex = not a real relationship

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Question

So I’ve been with my partner for three years and we’re engaged — everything’s been great until we started talking about marriage and what that actually means to them. I’m asexual and have always been clear about not wanting sex. It’s not a phase or something I’m scared of — it’s just how I am. They knew this when we got together and it didn’t seem like a big deal at the time.

But now with the wedding coming up they keep saying things like 'a real relationship has to have sex' or 'how can people take our marriage seriously if we don’t?' It makes me feel broken like I’m not enough. I love them so much and I show it in every way I can — through cooking for them being there when they’re sad planning our future together — but they keep bringing up sex like it’s the only proof of love.

does that mean a relationship without sex isn’t valid? idk maybe I’m just naive but I thought love was more than that. we’ve argued about it twice this week already and I’m tired. I don’t want to lose them but I also can’t change who I am.

Arjun Nair · Answer

my sister’s asexual and went through something similar with her husband. they got engaged young and by the time they were planning the wedding he started pulling that 'not a real relationship' crap too. it sucked. she thought he got it at first, but the closer they got to the date, the more he pushed.

here’s what helped: she sat him down and said 'if sex is non-negotiable for you, we need to talk about whether marrying me is fair'. not as an ultimatum, but as a real check-in. they went to a couples counselor who actually knows about asexuality (key — not all do). turns out he was stuck on societal scripts about marriage = sex and hadn’t really questioned it.

you deserve to be with someone who doesnt just tolerate your asexuality but respects it. if he’s still saying 'not a real relationship' now, that’s a red flag he hasn’t truly accepted it. maybe give him the link to AVEN or a youtube vlog by an asexual couple. sometimes seeing real stories helps more than talking.

and hey — your relationship is real. dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

My partner says no sex = not a real relationship

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