Why do people say "I am not looking for anything serious" and then act like they are?

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Question

This guy told me upfront that he is not looking for anything serious. I accepted that. But then he texts me good morning every day, takes me on actual dates, holds my hand in public, gets jealous, and says things like "you are different from everyone else." The actions and words do not match. What is going on? And why does this seem to happen so often?

Alice Johnson · Accepted Answer

What is going on is called "keeping options open while enjoying relationship benefits." He told you his boundaries ("not serious") so that when you catch feelings and get hurt, he has an alibi: "I told you from the start." Meanwhile, he gets the emotional and physical benefits of a relationship without accountability. This is not confusion on his part — it is a strategy, conscious or not. Listen to his words, not his morning texts. If you want something serious, this is not the person to pursue it with.

Grace Kim · Answer

Devil advocate: some people genuinely do not know what they want. They enter situations thinking it is casual, then catch feelings and do not know how to reconcile their actions with their stated intentions. If that is the case, the best thing you can do is force the conversation. Not aggressively, but directly: "Your actions feel like a relationship. Your words say otherwise. I need to know which one is true, because I am starting to care."

Why do people say "I am not looking for anything serious" and then act like they are?

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