Why won’t he respect my job?

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Question

so my husband keeps saying all his coworkers’ wives quit their jobs after marriage — like it’s just what you’re supposed to do. he brings it up every time we argue about money or chores. last night he said “why can’t you just stay home like everyone else?” like it’s that simple.

i work in graphic design and i love what i do. we met in college and back then he was all about supporting each other’s dreams. but now? feels like he just wants a traditonal setup — dinner ready, house clean, no opinions.

i’ve stayed in the same job for 3 years — i even turned down a promotion bc it’d mean more travel and i didn’t wanna add stress. but he still acts like i’m choosing work over him.

he says it’s about “family values” but honestly it feels more like control. i love him but i don’t wanna lose myself ya know?

am i being selfish for wanting to keep working? or is he just stuck in some weird mental space about marriage because of his friends?

we just had our 4th anniversary and instead of celebrating he brought up that damn topic again.

praying for real talk here. — i’m so confused

Maya Williams · Answer

my sister went through the same thing. her husband kept comparing her to some imaginary perfect homemaker that didn’t even exist.  she finally sat him down and said “you’re not mad I work. you’re scared money’s tight & don’t know how to talk about it.” turned out he was stressed about his job & took it out on her.

truth is  he’s not really upset about your job. it’s the chores. it’s the pressure. but instead of saying that he hides behind “everyone else’s wife.”  took my friend months to get him to see it.

try this: pick a calm moment. not after a fight. say “i love my work. but i also hate arguing with you. let’s talk about what we BOTH need help with — not who should or shouldn’t work.” then write down 2 things you each want changed. start small. like “i’ll plan meals if you do dishes” or “we hire a cleaner every 2 weeks.”

my friend started charging him $10 a week for every chore he didn’t do. he lasted 3 weeks before he started helping.  sometimes you gotta make it real before it gets real.

Why won’t he respect my job?

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