am i really being selfish about not wanting kids yet?

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Question

we've been married 3 years and for the last 18 months it's been nonstop baby talk. i get it, she's 32 and doesn't wanna wait forever. but every time i say i need more time, she shuts down. like last week we were talking about names and i said 'what if we waited till next year at least' and she just walked to the bedroom and didn't talk to me till morning.

i'm not saying never. i just want to pay off my student loans, maybe get promoted—right now i make decent money but kids are expensive. she makes more, which maybe makes her feel like i'm not pulling my weight? but that's not why i'm hesitant.

like yeah, part of me is scared. what if i’m not a good dad? what if we lose the life we have? we travel, we go out, we sleep in. i don’t wanna lose that without being sure.

she says i’m being selfish and maybe i am, but it feels like she’s not hearing me. we’ve been to therapy before and it helped with other stuff so maybe we should go back.

not sure what to do

Mateo Garcia · Answer

my wife and i went through this exact thing—she was ready at 30, i was like, whoa, we just bought a house. i kept saying 'not yet' and she took it super personally. what finally helped was me sitting down with our actual budget and saying 'look, i want to hit $15k in savings before we add a baby to the mix.' gave her a concrete goal, not just 'more time.' she still grumbled but at least there was a target. also, we set a date—18 months out—and planned a fun trip right before the 'trying' window opened. made it feel like a shared countdown, not a delay. you don’t have to wait till everything’s perfect, but having numbers on a page took the emotion out of it. try saying 'i’ll be ready when x happens' instead of 'i need more time.' feels different to her, even if it’s kinda the same. and seriously, talk about names after the due date lol

she wants to feel heard, not stalled

my wife still rolls her eyes when i bring this up haha

am i really being selfish about not wanting kids yet?

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