Can you love someone but not feel attracted anymore?

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Question

So we’ve been together 8 years — married for 5 — and I still love my wife like crazy. Like, if she got hurt I’d lose my mind. But lately I just… don’t feel turned on by her. At all. And it’s messing with my head. We’re both bi, been in the queer scene for years, and I know how fluid things can be, but this feels different. It’s not that she’s gained weight or changed how she dresses — she’s still the same amazing, funny, hot person everyone notices at parties. But when I look at her? Nothing. Zero spark.

I tried talking to her about it and she got really quiet, then said “so you’re just stuck with me?” which made me feel like absolute shit. I don’t want her to think I’m looking elsewhere — I’m not. But I miss wanting her. Is this normal after years? Or are we just… done, even if I still care about her? I keep wondering if I’m broken — or if this is just what long-term love looks like for some people.

Idk, writing this out feels weirdly heavy, but I can’t stop thinking about it. We used to be so close, physically. Now I fake a headache half the time she reaches for me. How do you stay married when your body just checks out?

Marcus Johnson · Answer

So I’ve been there — five years in and boom, the spark flatlined for me too. Loved my partner just as much, but my body was like... radio silence. Felt broken for a minute, honestly.

Then we tried something dumb that worked: we took a break from sex. Like, a real pause. No pressure, no failed attempts. Just cuddling, flirting, stupid texts. Gave me space to untangle desire from guilt.

After a few weeks, we started small — one night we lit candles, played music from our early days, and just touched. No goal. Felt weird at first, but then something shifted. Took time, but the attraction kinda rebooted, different but real.

Try scheduling a reset like that. And talk to her — not about the problem, but about what feels good now. Attraction isn’t always instant. Sometimes it follows action.

We’re still together. And now? I get turned by the way she hums in the kitchen. Weird, right?

Can you love someone but not feel attracted anymore?

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