has he checked out for good?

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Question

so it’s been 14 months since our daughter was born and honestly things haven’t been the same. I get it, baby changes everything. but he hasn’t touched me since the hospital. not even a kiss that felt real. at first i figured it was just postpartum stuff & me being sore but now i’m just… invisible? we share a bed and it’s like sleeping next to a roommate. i tried bringing it up a few weeks ago and he said he’s ‘just tired’ and it’s not about me. but it feels like it is about me. lately he’s been extra close with his mom—like texting her constantly, asking her advice on stuff he used to ask me about. they live two hours away but he drives down every weekend now ‘to help with little things.’ idk, maybe i’m overthinking. but when i asked if something was going on with her, he laughed and said i was being paranoid. we’ve always had a good connection before the baby, so this shift is wrecking me. i keep wondering if he’s found someone else or if he’s just emotionally checked out. how do you know when it’s just post-baby slump or something deeper? also… could his anxious attachment to his mom be replacing us? last update: he canceled our first date night in months ‘cause his mom had a headache.

Maya Williams · Answer

My friend, I was in this same spot 8 months postpartum. My husband stopped touching me after our son was born & it killed me. I felt like a ghost in my own bed. When I finally said something, he gave me the ‘so tired’ excuse too. But here’s what changed: I stopped asking for ‘more’ and asked for ‘one thing.’ Like, ‘Can you kiss me goodnight? Not on the forehead. On the lips. Every night.’ Small, specific. He messed up at first, but I kept it light—no guilt, just gentle reminders. Also, I started leaving my phone in the kitchen after 8. Made space for us to actually talk. Took weeks, but he started reaching for my hand again. It wasn’t overnight. But it came back. You’re not imagining this—it matters. Try one tiny thing tonight. Like asking him to rub your feet. Just to reconnect. It might feel weird. Do it anyway.

has he checked out for good?

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