How do I deal with my partner dismissing my trauma?

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Question

I lost my home, my family, & everything in the war back in Kharkiv. I barely got out alive and I’ve been staying in a refugee center for months. My partner lives in Canada and we’ve been together for 3 years. When I talk about how I can’t sleep or how I keep thinking about my sister who didn’t make it he says I need to move on already. Like just switch it off? He tells me I should be grateful I’m alive and safe now like that’s the end of it. I get he’s not here he doesn’t see what it’s like but it hurts when he gets annoyed if I’m sad or quiet. Last week I broke down over a nightmare and he said I’m being dramatic. I love him but I feel so alone. Is it wrong to need time to heal? Do I even know him anymore? Sometimes I wonder if he ever really cared or just wanted a ‘damaged’ girl who’s not too damaged to be a hassle. It’s like he wants the version of me that texts happy updates not the one who needs him. I don’t know if this is fixable or if I’m just stuck loving someone who doesn’t see me.

Sophia Martinez · Answer

When I fled Aleppo, my husband kept saying similar stuff like ‘you’re safe now, just relax’ — as if trauma’s a light switch. Took me months to realize he wasn’t being cruel, he was just helpless. Didn’t know what to do with my pain so he tried to logic it away. What helped? I started texting him short voice notes at night when I couldn’t sleep — just 30 seconds of me saying ‘had the dream again’ or ‘miss my mom today.’ Made it real for him without long convos. Also, I asked him to watch one documentary about Syria — not all of it, just 20 minutes — and that changed everything. He finally saw it wasn’t about being ungrateful, it was about carrying something heavy. Try giving him a tiny window in… not to fix you, just to *see* you. And if he still brushes it off after that? Then we can talk about what you really need. But for now, be kind to yourself — you’re not broken for hurting… lol, my voice note idea sounds weird but it actually worked for us

How do I deal with my partner dismissing my trauma?

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