How do I deal with my partner misgendering me over text?

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Question

So my boyfriend and I have been long distance for about 8 months now, and things are going pretty well overall. He’s supportive, checks in, sends little voice notes, all that sweet stuff. But he keeps misgendering me. Like, every few days he’ll say “she” instead of “they” or “he” instead of “them” in texts. I’ve corrected him a few times—gently, like “hey just a reminder, I’m they/them” or “you mean *they did that* lol”—and he always says “oh crap, sorry love,” and it happens again later.

It’s not malicious, I know that. But it hurts. Especially since I’m still not out to my family and seeing the right pronouns from him feels like one of the few places I get to just… exist. When it slips, it’s like a little punch. I don’t want to make him feel awful, but I also don’t want to just swallow it every time.

I’ve thought about writing a longer message, but I don’t even know how to say all this without sounding angry. Maybe I am a little? Idk.

We’re supposed to see each other next month for the first time and I’m excited… but also nervous this’ll come up in person.

Liam O'Brien · Answer

same thing happened with my partner when we were long distance. it sucked because i knew he cared, but the constant misgendering over text made me feel invisible, y'know? what finally helped was switching from quick corrections to one real talk. like, not in the moment—but i said, "hey, i love that you’re trying, but getting it wrong so much kinda hurts. can we figure this out together?" we practiced with sentences out of context ("they went to the store", "they’re so cool") and he started reading his texts aloud before sending. weirdly, that helped a lot. also—asked him to set a phone wallpaper with my pronouns. sounds silly, but it worked. it’s not about blame, it’s about care. if he’s doing the sweet stuff already, he’ll want to fix this. just gotta help him make it stick

How do I deal with my partner misgendering me over text?

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