how do i feel anything again after my divorce?

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Question

so i’ve been separated for about 8 months now. we didn’t have kids, but it still wrecked me. not in the crying-every-night way — more like… i just don’t feel much at all. my sister pushed me to try online dating and i did, went on a few dates, even kissed someone once. felt nothing. not in a bad way, just… blank.

last weekend i visited my parents and my mom started crying talking about how proud she was that i’m ‘moving on.’ i just nodded and ate my pasta. i wanted to say something comforting but the words wouldn’t come, like my heart’s behind glass.

it’s not that i don’t care about people — i do. i notice when my nephew seems off, i check in on my dad’s blood pressure like he asks. but emotionally? radio silence.

am i broken? is this normal after years of a dead marriage?

or maybe i’m just tired

how do you come back to life when you didn’t even notice you left?

Amara Okafor · Answer

i remember sitting on my bathroom floor last year eating cold fries from a drive-thru bag, totally numb. my divorce was final for six months & i felt like a robot running routines. dating made it worse — forced smiles, small talk, kissing someone while thinking about laundry. what helped me wasn’t pushing to feel, but letting myself off the hook for not feeling.

i started small. every morning, i’d step outside for two minutes even if it was raining. no goal, just air on my face. then i added one dumb thing — i bought a red mug, ugly as hell, but i used it every day. sounds silly but it was something i chose just for me.

i also wrote my mom a letter i never sent. filled it with all the stuff i didn’t say at dinner — the guilt, the emptiness, how her crying made me feel broken. getting it out loosened something.

you don’t need to perform healing for anyone. the numbness isn’t failure. it’s protection. let it be there, but sneak little moments of aliveness in around it. light a candle, listen to that one song from high school, text a friend a meme at 2am. the feelings come back sideways sometimes, not head-on.

my red mug’s chipped now. i still use it

how do i feel anything again after my divorce?

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