How do I handle a husband who won’t say he loves me?

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Question

We’ve been married 10 years and he’s never once said I love you. Not once. He shuts down if I bring it up — says showing emotion is weakness and that actions matter more than words. Which sure okay but… I need words. I crave them. Last week I was crying after my dad’s funeral and he just handed me a tissue and said “you’re stronger than this” — no hug no comfort nothing.

I tried talking to him last month said maybe we should go to counseling. He laughed — actually laughed — and said “we’re not broken.” But I feel so alone all the time. Sometimes I wonder if he even likes me let alone loves me. Our first date he was so sweet brought me daisies told me I had a great smile. Now it’s like that guy vanished.

I keep hoping he’ll change but year after year nothing. Is this enough? Can a marriage survive without ever hearing those three words — or feeling like you’re allowed to feel at all

I just want to feel seen

Sophia Martinez · Answer

My husband was the same way for years. Like, I’d say 'I love you' and he’d grunt or change the topic. It killed me, especially after our first kid was born and I was drowning in emotion. What finally worked? I stopped asking for love and started asking for small things. Instead of 'say you love me,' I’d say 'can you hug me for 10 seconds?' or 'text me one nice thing tomorrow.' Sounds dumb, but it got him moving.

So one night after he did something sweet — made coffee, whatever — I said 'that felt like love to me. It helped.' I wasn’t asking, just telling. He didn’t say it back, but the next morning I found a sticky note on my mug. Just said 'you’re doing good.' Not 'I love you,' but it was his version.

Give him tiny, specific ways to show up. And yeah, still get therapy if you can — solo if he won’t go. I started alone and after a few months he followed. Don’t wait for the grand gesture. Look for the almost-invisable ones. They’re there, even if they’re buried under all that 'tough guy' crap. He might not know how to love with words, but that doesn’t mean there’s no love.

How do I handle a husband who won’t say he loves me?

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