How do I handle this blame when we can't conceive?

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Question

So we’ve been trying for a baby for over two years now and it just hasn’t happened. We’ve both been tested and yeah my issues came up in the results but his weren’t exactly clean either. still he keeps saying things like 'if only you took better care of yourself' or 'you’re the reason we’re stuck like this'. like damn it hurts. i feel broken enough without him making it worse.

last week we had a huge fight because i cried during dinner and he just stood up and said 'this is why i can’t relax around you anymore'. i didn’t even know what to say. my mom keeps asking when we’ll give her a grandchild and he stays quiet while i take the heat. we’re stuck in a joint family setup so everyone sees everything and no one talks to him like they talk to me.

i love him but i’m drowning and he acts like i’m the problem. how do i make him see this isn’t just on me? or am i supposed to just take it?

Jackson Lee · Answer

My husband used to shut down every time I got emotional too — like my sadness was a personal attack on him. It took a therapist (our third one, honestly) to point out he was scared & guilt was easier than admitting he felt helpless. We started going together, and yeah it was awkward as hell at first. But it helped him see that poking at my test results was a way to dodge his own shame about his sperm count. Try saying this to him: "When you blame me, it feels like we’re not a team anymore. I need us to be on the same side." Not in a fight, just when things are calm. We also set a no-blame rule during fertility talks — if either of us starts pointing fingers, we pause & breathe. It’s not perfect but it helps. Oh & we blocked out one night a week to talk about it — keeps it from poisoning every dinner. The rest of the time, we try to just be married, not patients. Therapy sounds corny but dont sleep on it

How do I handle this blame when we can't conceive?

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