How do I know when it's over after cheating?

Q: I emotionally cheated and I cannot forgive myself

This question has 2 answers from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/i-emotionally-cheated-and-i-cannot-forgive-myself

Q: I found out my partner has a dating profile — we have been together for a year

This question has 2 answers from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/i-found-out-my-partner-has-a-dating-profile-we-have-been-together-for-a-year

Q: How do you rebuild trust after your partner cheated?

This question has 2 answers from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/how-do-you-rebuild-trust-after-your-partner-cheated

Q: Can a relationship survive infidelity if both partners want it to?

This question has 1 answer from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/can-a-relationship-survive-infidelity-if-both-partners-want-it-to

Q: He promised to come back after 2 years… it's been 5

This question has 1 answer from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/he-promised-to-come-back-after-2-years-its-been-5-t2m6tz

Question

So my partner of 3 years cheated last month. I found texts with this coworker, nothing too graphic but the emotional stuff hit hard, like 'I think about you every morning' crap. They said it didn’t go further than that & I believe them, but I can’t stop checking their phone even though I hate myself for it. We started couples therapy and it’s helping a little? Like I’m learning I’ve got this anxious attachment-style which maybe made things worse but still — I didn’t cheat. We’ve had two first-dates since then (trying to rebuild) and one was actually nice but the next one they canceled last minute to “work late” and I saw a photo on the coworker’s Insta from that night at some bar downtown. Probably nothing but my gut hasn’t unclenched since. Like part of me wants to fight for us but another part just feels tired all the time. I keep asking myself if forgiveness is possible when every new thing feels like a pinprick. & is therapy just making me better at staying in a relationship that’s already broken? I don’t want to walk away too fast but I also don’t want to waste years feeling like this. How do I know when enough is enough?

Fatima Al-Zahra · Answer

I remember sitting on my bathroom floor last year, reading messages that felt like someone punched me in the gut. My partner hadn’t slept with anyone, but the emotional stuff — the daily texts, the little ‘good morning’ notes — it ruined me just as much. Took me weeks to figure out what I needed.

What helped? I gave myself permission to not rush. I started writing down how I felt every night — not emails or anything, just notes on my phone. Some days I wanted to forgive, others I couldn’t look at them without crying. That’s normal.

I also asked for full access to thier phone for a month. Not because I wanted to spy, but because I needed proof to feel safe. We went to a counselor once a week, even when it felt awkward. It wasn’t magic, but it showed me whether they were actually trying or just saying sorry to shut me up.

You don’t have to decide ‘it’s over’ right now. But ask yourself: Are they showing up? Or just saying the right things? I stayed for 5 months after I found out. In the end, I left — ngl, it was the best thing for me.
tbh, I still wonder sometimes. But I don’t miss the doubt.

How do I know when it's over after cheating?

Key Takeaways

1 Answer

People Also Ask

Share your experience