how do i learn who i am after 7 years with her?

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Question

we met in college, she was the first person who made me feel seen, but also the first person i ever hid myself for. stayed with her through grad school, moving back to shanghai, her parents never liking me — not the right background, you know. i kept thinking if i just loved her enough, it’d be enough. but now she talks about marriage like it’s a deadline, and my mom’s been crying over tea about finding me a ‘nice boy with hukou’ and i just… don’t know what i want.

i used to love painting, used to write dumb poems, now i just scroll or clean the apartment on weekends. she says i’m distant, but honestly i feel blank. like i folded myself into someone smaller just to fit.

we’re both women — came out to each other in secret, still haven’t told our families. i don’t even know if i’m sad about losing her or just scared of losing the version of me that existed before her. what do you do when the person you became was only there to keep someone else happy?

Shahzaib Raza · Answer

Took me three years after breaking up with my ex to remember what I even liked — and it started with one dumb sketch on a napkin at a café. See, when you spend that long folding yourself into someone else’s idea of you, even small things feel foreign. I’d forgotten how much I needed quiet, how much I hated pretentious art shows, how my mom would sigh when I skipped Friday prayers. For us, it’s not just about you — it’s about izzat, what log will say, whether your choices shame or honor the family. Mine kept pushing me toward a safe path, just like your mom with the hukou thing. But here’s what changed: I started stealing time. One hour a week, just me and the sketchpad, no pressure. Then two. Didn’t tell anyone at first. Let yourself remember slowly. You don’t have to have it all figured out. Just start by doing one thing that feels like *you*, even if it’s stupid small. Paint something. Anything. Even if it’s just a leaf. You’ll know when it clicks. 💪

how do i learn who i am after 7 years with her?

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