how do i learn who i am after 7 years with her?
we met in college, she was the first person who made me feel seen, but also the first person i ever hid myself for. stayed with her through grad school, moving back to shanghai, her parents never liking me — not the right background, you know. i kept thinking if i just loved her enough, it’d be enough. but now she talks about marriage like it’s a deadline, and my mom’s been crying over tea about finding me a ‘nice boy with hukou’ and i just… don’t know what i want. i used to love painting, used to write dumb poems, now i just scroll or clean the apartment on weekends. she says i’m distant, but honestly i feel blank. like i folded myself into someone smaller just to fit. we’re both women — came out to each other in secret, still haven’t told our families. i don’t even know if i’m sad about losing her or just scared of losing the version of me that existed before her. what do you do when the person you became was only there to keep someone else happy?