How do I leave if everyone thinks divorce is failure?

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Question

We fight every day. Sometimes over nothing — like how she folds the clothes or the way I chew food, isn’t it? But it always ends with her saying I’m useless, jobless, good for nothing. My job isn’t great, yes, but I work, I come home, I don’t drink, I don’t beat her… still she says I’m nothing compared to her brother’s husband who drives a BMW. She earns more, okay, I know that, but does she have to remind me every single day only?

Last week we didn’t speak for three days. Not even for food. Her parents say, “Tough times pass, adjust kara,” like my father said when Ma used to shout at him. But I’m tired. I feel like I’m shrinking.

But if I say divorce, people will look at me like I’m the criminal. In our circle, divorce means you cheated or beat someone. No one says it’s okay to just… not be happy. My cousin got divorced and his own sister stopped talking to him. I don’t want that. But how long do I keep living like this only?

Kenji Watanabe · Answer

my cousin stayed with someone who made him feel small for eight years — same thing, constant jabs about money, work, even how he loaded the dishwasher. he kept saying he couldn’t leave because everyone in his family would call it a defeat. then one day his niece asked why he looked so sad at dinner and something cracked. he told me, 'i realized i wasn’t failing by leaving — i was failing myself by staying.'

i know that voice in your head — the one saying you’re not enough. but let’s be real, if respect is supposed to be part of marriage, then *she’s* breaking the deal too. talking to a divorce lawyer doesn’t mean you’re quitting — it just means you’re getting info. same way you’d check a car before buying.

i started therapy before i left mine — found a sliding-scale clinic, paid $20 a session. helped me see i wasn’t the problem. maybe try writing down every little insult for a week. not to collect them like tickets, but so you can *see* the pattern. when it’s all on paper, it’s harder to pretend it’s 'just joking.'

you’re not nothing. and leaving? that’s not weakness. it’s what strong people do when they finally believe they deserve better.

How do I leave if everyone thinks divorce is failure?

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