How do I stand up to his family without causing war?

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Question

We’ve been married 1.5 years, and I live with his parents in Chennai while he’s posted in Dubai. Every time he’s here, things are okay — but the second he leaves, it’s like I’m back to being the ‘new daughter-in-law’ they can order around. I make the tea every morning, clean the puja room, serve them first at dinner — not because I mind helping, but it’s expected like it’s my duty only. Last week his sister came and she just sits with them while I serve everyone. I asked my husband if we could rent a small place nearby, and he said “But they’re old, who will take care of them?” like I’m supposed to sacrifice myself for their comfort. I miss feeling like a wife, not a maid. I tried saying something to my mother-in-law gently, but she looked hurt and said “This is how families run, isn’t it?” I dont want to disrespect them, but I’m so lonely and tired. How do I make this right without breaking everything?

Sneha Joshi · Answer

I get it — living with in-laws while your husband’s away is like being on frontline duty only. I was in a similar spot with my sister-in-law visiting and suddenly I’m host, cook, cleaner all at once while she’s treated like a guest na? What changed for me was small but firm — I started doing things on my own terms. Like, I’d make tea but say 'I’ll take 20 mins, cooking now' so they know I’m not instant service only. And I stopped serving everyone first. I served myself, then others — quietly, no drama. Took 2 weeks of doing it and they adjusted. My husband and I also set a code word — 'orange' — so when things get too much, I text him 'today was orange' and he knows to call home, casually check in. It’s not about fighting, it’s about setting quiet boundaries. You don’t have to announce it — just start doing it slowly. And please, talk to your husband — not when he’s here surrounded by them, but on a call, when it’s just you. He needs to see your side clearly only ❤️

How do I stand up to his family without causing war?

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