How do I stop feeling like a tour guide in my own life?

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Question

Look, last weekend I woke up and thought, let’s drive to the lake. Just pack a bag, throw the dog in the car, go. I was buzzing with it. Called my partner at 9 a.m. — “Hey, wanna get out of town?” He said he’d have to check his calendar. Not joking. His *calendar*. Turns out he had a work thing on Tuesday that he “needed recovery time” for. I’ve asked him to be spontaneous once a week for the last two months, and every time it’s the same. He did agree to one surprise dinner last month, but then asked if we could push it to Friday instead of Wednesday, and could I send the menu ahead so he could think about what to order. We’ve been together 5 years, married 2. I’m not asking to jet off to Bali with zero planning. Just… want to feel alive sometimes? He says I’m impulsive, that he needs stability. But it’s starting to feel like I’m with someone who only loves me when I’m on his schedule 😭 He has done this 14 times in 3 months — not maliciously, just… incapable. And now I’m the one apologizing when I suggest something last-minute.

He has done this 14 times in 3 months — not maliciously, just… incapable. And now I’m the one apologizing when I suggest something last-minute.

Ryan Gomez · Answer

My girlfriend’s Canadian, right? Super organized. Like, color-coded calendar, reminders for reminders. When we first started long distance, I’d say 'Hey, I’m flying to Vancouver next week!' and she’d panic. 'Ryan, you cant just do that!' Took me months to realize she’s not being stiff — that’s just how she feels safe.

What I learned: dont ask for spontaneity. Plan the surprise. Like, I’ll book the lake trip, pack her bag behind her back, and say 'Keys are in my pocket, we’re leaving in 10.' She still checks her calendar, but now she laughs because I’ve already made it real.

Try this: pick a day, handle all the details, just tell her 'We’re doing this. No options.' Make it feel inevitable, not like a request. Works every time.

It’s like that naman eh — some people just need the train already moving before they hop on. ❤️

How do I stop feeling like a tour guide in my own life?

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