How do I stop feeling second to their job?

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Question

So my boyfriend and I have been long distance for about 8 months now — he’s in Seattle working at this big tech startup, and I’m in Austin finishing my master’s. When we first started dating, he was so present, like always checking in, sending cute memes, we’d video call every night. But lately… it’s like I’m talking to a ghost. He pulls 60+ hour weeks, and when I try to plan something — even just a weekend visit — he cancels last minute because “something came up at work.” Last month I had a panic attack and called him crying, and he answered but was on mute for 10 minutes while he finished a Slack convo. I mean… ouch. I get that careers matter, but it feels like I’m just here waiting. We barely talk now and when we do, it’s surface level. We used to be so close, you know? I’ve started wondering if he even wants this anymore. I dont want to guilt him, but I’m lonely as hell and starting to question if zodiac compatibility even matters when you never see the person (he’s a Virgo, obviously). We used to have such good intimacy, now it’s like we’re strangers. Am I asking too much for just a little effort? lol idk, maybe I just need to hear it’s not all in my head.

Noah Williams · Answer

I’ve been there — dated a guy working at a startup in SF while I was in NYC. Felt like I was competing with a spreadsheet. What finally helped was setting one non-negotiable time each week for us — like Sunday mornings for me that meant 9am video call no matter what. Gave me something to count on. You’re not asking for much just to feel seen. Try texting him: "Hey I miss you — can we lock in one weekend this month? I’ll come to you." Make it low pressure but specific. When he cancels — and he might — don’t drop everything. Wait a few hours before replying. Sounds harsh but it shows you’ve got your own rhythm. I started filling my weekends with friends grad school stuff and honestly it made me less anxious when he flaked. You’re not second priority — you’re just seeing what he’s really capable of right now. And that’s useful info

How do I stop feeling second to their job?

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