How do I stop feeling so alone when he’s always out?

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Question

we’ve been engaged for 8 months and living long distance while i finish grad school. he stays in our hometown and works construction. every friday and saturday he goes out drinking with the same group, texts me around midnight saying he’s having one more, then i dont hear from him till he rolls in at 3am. sometimes he doesnt even text. i know he’s an adult, but it feels like im just waiting for him in another state while he lives his life like werent even engaged.

last month i drove down for a surprise visit and showed up at the bar. it was so awkward. he was wasted and mad i came. said i was smothering him. but am i? we barely talk during the week and when we do its like pulling teeth. i try to bring it up and he says he’s just letting off steam, that i dont get how stressful his job is. but what about me? i’m stressed too.

i love him but i feel like i’m disappearing. how do you set boundaries when you cant even have a real conversation?

Carlos Rivera · Answer

i went through something similar with my ex before we called it quits — long distance while i was in law school and he was working nights. seeing the same pattern over and over broke me down even though he said he loved me. it wasn’t about the drinking, really, it was the feeling like i didn’t matter on his weekends.

what helped me was setting one clear boundary: i asked him to check in before 1 a.m. every night he was out, no excuses. not to police him, just so i didn’t lie awake worrying. if he couldn’t do that consistently for a month, we’d talk seriously about whether this worked. he couldn’t, and that told me everything.

maybe try that — not a nag or a fight, just “hey, i need a little more connection, can you text by 1?” see how he responds. if he brushes it off or forgets constantly, that’s not on you, it’s a red flag. and if you bring it up and he still doesn’t care, then you know where you stand. one more thing — don’t drive down just to fill the silence, save your trips for real time together. feels worse when you’re there in person and still feel alone lol

How do I stop feeling so alone when he’s always out?

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