How do you fix something when you don’t know what broke?

Q: My partner wants to close the distance but I am not ready to move

This question has 1 answer from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/my-partner-wants-to-close-the-distance-but-i-am-not-ready-to-move

Q: How do you survive a long-distance relationship in your 20s?

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Q: Long-distance partner barely calls anymore — is this the beginning of the end?

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Q: Still love him but not in love?

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Q: Matched but parents not okay?

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Question

So we’ve been long distance for about 8 months now — me in Atlanta, him in Chicago. We were doing good, like really good. Called every night, planned visits, even talked about moving in together next year. But then something shifted. Like, not anything specific happened. No fight, no cheating, nothing. But after his mom came to visit me last month, things just… changed. He’s distant. Replies take days. When we do talk, it’s short. I asked if everything’s okay and he said ‘yeah, just stressed.’ But it feels deeper. I keep replaying that weekend with his mom — was I too quiet? Did I cook something she didn’t like? (she barely touched the collard greens 😒) But that can’t be it, right? We’ve always been solid. Or at least I thought so. Now I’m just sitting here wondering if I’m too much, or not enough, or if he’s already checked out. It’s like the connection flickered and I don’t know how to light it again. And idk, maybe I’m overthinking, but it hurts in a way I can’t explain. tbh, I don’t even know what I’m asking for — just… how do you fix something when you don’t know what broke?

Erica Foster · Answer

Honestly, I’ve been there — and it’s one of the worst feelings, when the ground shifts but no one tells you why. My long distance thing fell apart like that too, except in my case it was after my conservative dad met my boyfriend and said some backhanded 'well is this really going somewhere?' crap. Even if his mom didn’t say anything outright, maybe being around you triggered some unspoken family pressure — happens a lot when your people dont quite get or approve of the relationship.

But here’s what worked for me: instead of asking 'is everything ok?' — which gives him an easy out — I sent a real talk message. Like, 'I love you, but I feel shut out lately. Can we talk this weekend? Just us. No distractions.' Gave him time to brace, made it safe.

Try that. Pick a time, make it specific. And if he still pulls away? That’s your answer even if he never says the words.

How do you fix something when you don’t know what broke?

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