How do you heal from emotional abuse when the abuser was your parent?

Q: I keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners — how do I break the pattern?

This question has 1 answer from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/i-keep-choosing-emotionally-unavailable-partners-how-do-i-break-the-pattern

Q: How do I stop being codependent in relationships?

This question has 1 answer from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/how-do-i-stop-being-codependent-in-relationships

Q: Learning to love myself before loving someone else — is that real advice or a cliche?

This question has 2 answers from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/learning-to-love-myself-before-loving-someone-else-is-that-real-advice-or-a-cliche

Q: Why am I his project and not his person?

This question has 1 answer from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/why-am-i-his-project-and-not-his-person-alv4zo

Q: How do I know if this is real or just convenient for him?

This question has 1 answer from the Doveth community. Read more at https://doveth.com/questions/how-do-i-know-if-this-is-real-or-just-convenient-for-him-xgogj4

Question

My mother was emotionally abusive throughout my childhood — constant criticism, manipulation, conditional love. Now I am an adult but I find myself repeating those patterns in my relationships. I either attract controlling partners or I become controlling myself. The therapist says I need to "re-parent" myself but the concept feels abstract. People who have actually done the work — what does healing from parental abuse look like in practice?

Grace Kim · Accepted Answer

Healing from parental abuse is not linear and there is no finish line. But here is what the work looked like for me:

1. Identifying the inner critic voice and recognizing it as my mother voice, not truth.
2. Learning to comfort myself when triggered — literally talking to myself the way a kind parent would.
3. Setting boundaries with my actual mother (low contact in my case).
4. Noticing when I am attracted to someone BECAUSE they remind me of my mother dynamic (familiar ≠ healthy).
5. Grieving the parent I deserved but did not get.

That last one is the hardest. You are mourning a loss that never happened — the love you should have received. It is profound grief and it takes time. But it is the work that sets you free.

How do you heal from emotional abuse when the abuser was your parent?

Key Takeaways

1 Answer

People Also Ask

Share your experience