Learning to love myself before loving someone else — is that real advice or a cliche?

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Question

Everyone says "you need to love yourself first." But what does that actually MEAN? I have low self-esteem, I know that. But does having low self-esteem disqualify me from having a good relationship? Because some of the happiest couples I know are full of insecure people. So is "love yourself first" genuine self-help wisdom or just gatekeeping?

Kate Morales · Accepted Answer

It is both real and overly simplified. You do not need to be perfectly self-realized to be in a relationship. But here is what happens when you enter a relationship without any self-worth: you tolerate mistreatment because you do not believe you deserve better. You become dependent because your partner becomes your only source of validation. You cannot communicate needs because you do not believe your needs matter.

The advice is not "become perfect alone." It is "develop enough self-worth that you do not lose yourself in someone else." You can work on yourself AND love someone else simultaneously. They are not mutually exclusive.

Henry Brooks · Answer

I think the better version of this advice is: "Know yourself before loving someone else." Self-awareness matters more than self-love. If you know your triggers, your patterns, and your needs, you can navigate a relationship thoughtfully even if you are still working on self-esteem. Perfect self-love is not a prerequisite — but self-honesty is.

Learning to love myself before loving someone else — is that real advice or a cliche?

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