I keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners — how do I break the pattern?

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Question

My last 4 relationships have all followed the same pattern: I fall for someone who is charming but emotionally distant. I spend months or years trying to "earn" their love and affection. When they finally open up? I lose interest. When they are distant? I am obsessed. I know exactly what I am doing and I still cannot stop. How do you rewire this?

Iris Patel · Accepted Answer

What you are describing is an anxious-avoidant trap, and you have incredible self-awareness about it. The "losing interest when they open up" part is the key — it suggests that the CHASE is what gives you the dopamine, not the connection. This is usually rooted in early attachment experiences where love felt conditional or unpredictable.

Breaking it:
1. When you feel that magnetic pull towards someone unavailable, treat it as a WARNING, not a sign of chemistry.
2. Give "boring" people a real chance. Healthy love feels calm, not desperate.
3. Work with a therapist on attachment theory — specifically, learn what secure attachment feels like in your body.
4. Read "Attached" by Amir Levine. It literally changed my life.

I keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners — how do I break the pattern?

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