Why am I his project and not his person?

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Question

We’ve been together 18 months, and sometimes I wonder if he even sees me or just this… checklist version of us. Every date is scheduled like a work meeting — ‘optimal bonding time’ he calls it, with topics pre-planned. Nope, not joking. Last week he sent me a shared doc summarising our communication gaps and a 30-day improvement plan. A *doc*. I laughed at first… then I just felt empty. My family already gave me enough grief for divorcing young — like I’m damaged goods, can’t just rush into things again, blah blah… so I told myself be patient, give him time. But it’s not about time, is it? He measures everything: screen time, conflict resolution efficiency, even how many times I say ‘I love you’ vs him. I’m tired of feeling like a task he’s trying to close. I want to be something soft to come home to, not another KPI. Is that too much? Or am I just... not cut out for this kind of love? leh

Alex Nguyen · Answer

My ex was big on spreadsheets too — color-coded dates, monthly goals, the whole thing. I thought it was kind of cute at first, like he was that extra, but then I realized he was more into optimizing us than actually being with me. It’s hard when you’re already second-guessing yourself, especially with family noise in the background. But here’s what pulled me out: I asked him to tell me three things he loved about me that had nothing to do with improvement, future plans, or potential. Just — what do you love about me right now? His answer was all goals & aspirations. That’s when I knew. Try asking that. If it feels like he’s listing traits off a resume, it’s not you — you’re the only one showing up as a person. I started taking back small things — canceled a ‘scheduled date’ to just grab tacos & laugh over nothing. See how he handles real life, not just the planned version. You’re not a project. You’re already whole. lol, took me too long to believe that.

Why am I his project and not his person?

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