In every relationship I have been in, I lose myself. I adopt their hobbies, their friend group, their schedule. When we break up, I have nothing left because my entire identity was built around them. I know this is unhealthy. I am starting therapy, but I want practical advice from people who have overcome codependency. What does a healthy version of "us" look like that still includes "me"?
Anonymous
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Grace Kim
Recovering codependent here. Some things that helped: 1. Keep at least 2 activities that are YOURS alone — do not share them with your partner. 2. Maintain friendships independently. Schedule regular time with your own people. 3. Practice saying "no" to things you do not actually want to do. Notice how the world does not end. 4. Journal about who YOU are. What do YOU value? What do YOU enjoy? These are separate questions from what your partner values or enjoys. 5. When you feel the urge to merge, pause and ask: "Am I doing this because I want to, or because I am afraid of losing them?" Codependency is ultimately about fear of abandonment. Therapy will help you get to the root. But the daily practice is: build a life so good that a relationship enhances it, not defines it.
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