Is it grooming if our culture sees it as normal?

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Question

So my fiancé and I are doing a long-distance thing right now—he’s in Lahore with his family, I’m here in Toronto. We met through family, like arranged-adjacent, and we’re both okay with it. He’s 32, I’m 19. In our community? This is fine. A bit young, sure, but not weird. My uncles were like, "nah, he’s settled, good job, beta." But then I go on Reddit or TikTok and suddenly I’m being groomed? People saying I’m a child, he manipulated me, my family’s toxic for supporting it… and it’s messing with my head.

We talk every night. He’s kind. Never pressured me into anything. We’re waiting till marriage, actually. And yes, my family’s joint—everyone lives together, decisions are shared. But I don’t feel forced. I like him. I chose this. But now I’m second-guessing everything because the internet won’t shut up about “power imbalance” and “coercion.”

Am I blind? Am I just part of the problem? Or is the internet being extra? … I don’t even know what abuse looks like if it’s wrapped in tradition

idk. Maybe I just needed to say it out loud.

Leo Moretti · Answer

I was 20 when I got engaged to my now-husband who’s 12 years older & yeah our family said it was fine but I still had that little voice in my head asking if I was being naive. I get why the internet freaks out—it doesn’t know our world. But here’s what helped me: I started keeping a little notebook where I’d write down how I felt after every call with him. Did I feel heard? Respected? Or just quiet & small? After a month the pattern was clear & I knew it was real. Try that. Also call one aunt you trust—not the ones who just repeat what’s normal, but the one who’ll actually listen—and say, *“Does this feel right to you, really?”* if she hesitates it’s worth sitting with that. Toronto winters are long but you’re not stuck in your head—you’ve got instincts & they’re sharper than anyone’s opinion online or at a dinner party. Trust your gut more than the noise

Is it grooming if our culture sees it as normal?

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