Is it normal for his family to check my family’s background?

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Question

so my boyfriend is korean and we’ve been dating for 8 months. we’re really serious, talked about marriage eventually. but last week he told me his parents wanted to do a background check on my family before they’d agree to meet me… like, they hired someone to look into my parents’ jobs, our financial history, even where my cousins went to school? i was kind of shocked. i mean… i get that family is super important in korean culture, but this feels intense.

my parents are divorced, not wealthy, and my younger brother had some legal trouble a few years ago. it’s all been resolved but… idk, i’m worried they’re gonna judge us. he says it’s just tradition and they’re not rejecting me, but still. it makes me feel… exposed? like i passed an exam or something instead of being seen as a person.

someone mentioned kundli matching might be part of this too? i don’t know much about astrology stuff but i heard it’s used in asian cultures for reconciliation and long-term compatibility. should i even care about that? am i overreacting? haha maybe i’m just being sensitive but it’s hard not to take it personally…

anyone been through something like this?

Yuki Tanaka · Answer

my boyfriend’s family did the same thing when we were getting serious. i was floored at first — felt like i was being audited or something. but his mom explained it wasn’t about judging us, it was more about making sure we weren’t hiding anything major, like serious debt or criminal stuff. still awkward, but in their mind, it’s about protecting the family’s stability.

i’m half-korean, so i somewhat get it, but i also pushed back. i told my boyfriend straight up that i wouldn’t be okay with them digging into my cousins or school records. we compromised — i shared a little about my parents’ jobs & that my family wasn’t wealthy, but i drew the line at private stuff.

if you’re comfortable, maybe offer a middle ground — like, you’re open to answering honest questions about your family, but hiring a private investigator is too far. talk to your boyfriend first, not his parents. see where he stands. my thing was: if he can’t stand up for me here, that’s a red flag. families adjust — but respect’s gotta go both ways.

Is it normal for his family to check my family’s background?

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