Is love supposed to hurt this much?

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Q: Long-distance partner barely calls anymore — is this the beginning of the end?

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Q: Matched but parents not okay?

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Q: Still love him but not in love?

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Question

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, 2 of them long distance because he’s in KL for work and I’m still in Penang with my family. We talk every night, but it’s always the same — I’m the one checking in, planning calls, making sure things feel okay. He says I’m too much sometimes. Says I need to ‘adjust’, that real love means staying through silence, through coldness. Same same but different — that’s what my amma says about marriage too. Endure, compromise, don’t rock the boat.

I cannot say directly but… I think I’m losing myself. I used to be someone who laughed loud, spoke my mind. Now I hold my breath every time he goes quiet for a day. I wait. I wait for a text, for a plan, for something to feel warm again. But it’s always me restarting the fire.

Is this love? Or is this just practice in suffering? I don’t want to be the only one building a home in this relationship. Feels like I’m begging for crumbs and calling it patience.

Ksenia Lebedeva · Answer

i was in a long distance thing for 18 months and wow, it drained me. i kept bending to fit what he called 'patience' but really it was just me swallowing my needs. you know what changed? when i finally said — hey, i need you to meet me halfway, not just when it's easy. i started sending voice notes instead of chasing calls, told him 'if you can't talk tonight, just say so'. and if he didn’t respond? i didn’t spiral. gave myself space to breathe.

tbh, love shouldn’t feel like begging for scraps. silence and coldness aren’t love — they’re walls. and you don’t have to break through them alone. try this: next time he says you’re 'too much', ask him gently — 'too much for what? for loving you?'

also… talk to someone. a friend, a cousin, anyone. holding this in makes it bigger than it is. you deserve warmth, not just endurance. ❤️

Is love supposed to hurt this much?

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