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Long Distance

Is this normal? He won’t let me work

We’ve been married 3 years, but long distance for the last year while he finishes school overseas. At first it was sweet—he said he’d take care of everything money-wise. But now he’s refusing to let me get a part-time job, says it’s disrespectful for a wife to earn her own money and that I should just wait for him to support me fully when he’s back. last month I got an offer to teach online, something I could do from home… he found out and blew up. Said I was embarrassing him, that his friends’ wives don’t work, and if I really loved him I’d trust him to provide. i tried bringing up saving for a house or even just having a little emergency cash, but he just says I’m being ungrateful. He controls all the accounts, even my old one got shut down “for simplicity.” It’s starting to feel off, like I’m losing myself. I love him, but this… I don’t know. Am I overreacting? Or is this a red flag? We’re supposed to reconcile next year but… what if nothing changes?

Asked by

Omar Hassan

80 rep

18 days ago

38 views

1 answer

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My cousin was in the same spot and it took her getting stood up at a hospital appointment (she was sick, couldn’t drive herself) for her to see the pattern.

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A
Amara Okafor
35 rep
18 days ago
My cousin was in the same spot and it took her getting stood up at a hospital appointment (she was sick, couldn’t drive herself) for her to see the pattern. Said the same guy who promised to handle everything suddenly had no gas money. I get the romance of being taken care of. I really do. But respect shouldn’t come with a price tag. When someone ties your worth to their wallet, especially from across an ocean? That’s control, not love. I started tutoring online during my grad program—even made less than minimum wage at first. But it wasn’t about the money. It was about knowing I could still choose. You already have one foot out the door by even looking for work. That’s huge. Here’s what helped me: I opened a separate bank account with my dad’s help. Started routing even $20 a week into it. No need to announce it. Just build breathing room. And that teaching offer? Ask him straight: “If something happens to you—God forbid—what am I supposed to do?” See how he answers. His reaction will tell you everything. You’re not embarrassing him. You’re becoming someone he can’t control. There’s a difference...

Is this normal? He won’t let me work

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Is this normal? He won’t let me work

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