Live together but he doesn't believe in marriage?

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Question

So we’ve been living together for 8 months now — moved in kinda fast after meeting on a dating app, but it felt right at the time. We share rent, chores, even adopted a cat together (his idea, which surprised me). But every time I bring up marriage, even casually like “wouldn’t it be nice to plan a wedding someday?” he shuts it down. Says he doesn’t believe in marriage — like, as an institution? Okay, but what about commitment? He says he’s committed, but… I don’t know. I’m 29 and I didn’t do the whole dating app grind for years just to end up in the same place I started. I grew up queer, never had the fairy tale option, so now that I’ve found someone who seems to care — I want *something*. A ring, a plan, I don’t care what it looks like as long as it’s real. But he says labels complicate things. We’re fine as we are. Are we? Or am I just setting myself up to get hurt? I feel stuck — & honestly kinda lonely even though we’re together all the time. Maybe I’m asking for too much. But why does it feel like I’m the only one thinking about the future?

Anonymous · Answer

honestly, i was in the exact same spot two years ago. my now-fiancé (lol, ironic right) said he didn’t believe in marriage either. we lived together for a year before i finally asked him point-blank — not about a wedding, but what commitment actually meant to him. turns out he had bad experiences with his parents’ divorce and associated marriage with failure. once he explained that, i felt less like he was rejecting *me* and more like he was guarding against something he didn’t trust. we started seeing a couples therapist just once a month — not because we were failing, but to talk through stuff like this. it helped him open up and me to feel heard. maybe try asking him what marriage *means* to him instead of whether he wants it. you might be surprised. also? 29 isn’t late for anything. my aunt got married at 40 and they’re sickeningly in love. just make sure you’re both on the same page about the future, not just the now

Live together but he doesn't believe in marriage?

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