Married for love... now wondering if arranged wouldve been better?

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Question

So I married my wife 5 years ago because it felt like the most real thing ever. We met at a queer book club, fell hard, moved in fast. At the time I was so sure—like, this is the person I’m supposed to be with. But lately… it’s been awful. She’s emotionally distant, then suddenly furious over tiny things. I walk on eggshells all the time and when I try to talk, she shuts down or says I’m too sensitive.

Like… last week I made her favorite dinner and she barely touched it. When I asked if something was wrong, she said "you just dont get me" and went to bed. That’s how it always goes.

And I keep thinking… my parents had an arranged marriage. They didn’t 'fall in love' at first, but they built something steady. They respect each other. They actually talk. And now I’m stuck wondering—did I choose passion over peace? Was the fairy tale a trap?

I still care about her, but sometimes I wonder if love isn’t enough when the foundation is this shaky. Would I be happier with someone chosen for compatibility instead of chemistry? Am I crazy for even thinking this?

Lucas Müller · Answer

So I've been in a similar spot, married someone I loved and it turned out to be a disaster. Like, we thought we were meant to be but it was all just a fantasy. I remember walking on eggshells all the time, never knowing when my partner would blow up at me. What helped me was setting boundaries, being super clear about what I could and couldn't handle. I started saying no to things that felt toxic, like staying in a conversation that was going nowhere. And honestly, it's okay to admit that maybe this isn't working out. You deserve better than feeling like you're constantly trying to avoid a fight. Try having a calm, straightforward conversation with your wife about how you're feeling and see what happens, maybe couples therapy could help...

Married for love... now wondering if arranged wouldve been better?

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