She cries when I set a boundary, then I apologize?

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Question

So we've been doing long distance for 8 months now — me in Chicago, her in Atlanta. I visit once every 6 weeks, she comes up every couple months. Lately I've been needing more space, like I don't wanna be on a call every night just 'cause she's bored. Told her I need a couple nights a week to myself, hang with friends, decompress. She started crying, said I don't care about her, that I'm pushing her away. I panicked & apologized even though I didn't do anything wrong. This has happened b4 — every time I try to say how I feel, she falls apart & I end up comforting her. It's exhausting. I love her, but I feel guilty just existing sometimes. Last time I said I needed a break from talking over the weekend & she sent me a 5-paragraph text about how she sat in the dark crying & almost called her ex. I mean... that's heavy. I don't want to be the guy who makes someone feel that way, but also — shouldn't I be able to have a night off? Feels like I'm the bad guy for wanting basic space. What do I do?

Garrett Hayes · Answer

so i've been in similar shoes before, trying to set boundaries in a long distance relationship and getting guilt tripped into apologizing for needing space. honestly, it's exhausting. what i've learned is that you gotta stick to your guns, even when it's hard. tell her you love her, but you need some time to yourself and that's not a bad thing. don't apologize for something you're not sorry for...

She cries when I set a boundary, then I apologize?

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