She cries when I set a boundary, what do I do?

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Question

From my experience... women in our circle don’t like it when you pull away, even if it’s for yourself. My girlfriend lives in Yekaterinburg, I’m in Moscow — been like this for 8 months. Last week I said I can’t call every night, I need space to breathe, paint, be alone. She started crying so hard I could hear her choking on the phone. Said I don’t love her anymore, that I’m pushing her to the edge. Ended up apologizing just to make it stop. It’s not the first time. Every time I try to say what I need, it’s like I’m hitting her. My mom says if she loves me, she’ll accept it. But maybe it’s not about love? Maybe it’s just how we were raised — if you care, you suffocate. If you’re distant, you’re cold. I don’t know how to be both honest and kind. Feels like I’m always choosing between guilt and loneliness. 💔

Edwin Chua · Answer

Setting boundaries can be very the difficult, especially when you're in a long distance relationship like yours. I've been there too, my wife works nights and I'm alone most evenings, so I need my space to recharge, lor. When you set a boundary, try explaining why you need it, be honest and open about your feelings, don't just say you need space, say what you want to do with that space, like painting or just relaxing, meh. And when she cries, don't give in immediately, Confirm, it's hard, but take a deep breath and reassure her that you love her, but you need this, leh.

She cries when I set a boundary, what do I do?

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