She cries when I set a boundary—am I the bad guy?

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Question

Every time I try to say no to something—like when I wanted to go cycling with my brother on Sunday instead of going to her parents’ house she starts crying uncontrollably and says I don’t care about her or our relationship I feel like a monster so I give in and apologize even though I didn’t do anything wrong last week I scheduled our ‘us time’ for Thursday 7-9pm like we used to and she said I was reducing our time together because it was only two hours and not the whole evening suddenly she was sobbing and I just held her and said I was sorry for not giving her enough attention but I didn’t mean to hurt her I just needed one evening to breathe I check in with her daily I ask how she is I plan things weeks in advance but the moment I try to hold a line she collapses and I cave it’s like my saying no means I’m pulling away and I don’t know how to fix that without losing myself

Gabriela Mendoza · Answer

My partner used to do the same thing—tears every time I asked for space or said no to something and I’d panic and give in just to make it stop it took me months to realize her crying wasn’t about me being selfish it was her panic response to feeling control slipping and once I saw that I could breathe a little easier

Here’s what changed—I stopped reacting in the moment instead of saying sorry or arguing right away I’d say calmly “I hear you’re upset I still need this” and hold my boundary even if she kept crying it felt brutal the first few times but I didn’t go full cold turkey I still made time for us just not every second of every day

Also started texting her the day before with something like “hey I’m really looking forward to our time Thursday night” so she didn’t feel like I was pulling away completely small things like that helped her adjust

You’re not the bad guy for wanting your life too

She cries when I set a boundary—am I the bad guy?

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