Still love him but not in love anymore?

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Question

On the one hand, we’ve built a life — apartment, dog, he’s good with my mom, we even talk about maybe having a kid. On the other hand, I don’t feel anything when he touches me. Not annoyed, not repulsed — just nothing. We’ve been together nine years, married for three. He’s never yelled, never cheated, pays his share, remembers my coffee order. Look, I don’t need fireworks every day. But I used to feel warm when he walked in the room. Now it’s like noticing the fridge turned on. My parents stayed together because it was practical, not because they burned for each other. I thought that was normal. But my cousin in Hamburg says that’s not enough now. He doesn’t even notice I’m quiet lately. Says ‘you’re tired’ and goes to sleep. When I mentioned therapy, he said ‘what’s broken?’ Maybe nothing is. Maybe everything is. I just don’t know if I’m supposed to fix us or walk away.

Budi Santoso · Answer

I remember sitting on the bathroom floor three years into my marriage crying because I loved my husband but didn’t *feel* him anymore like he was just furniture that paid bills. It freaks you out when affection stops sparking even though nothing’s wrong — and trust me I’ve been there with the dog the shared lease the in-laws who adore him. So here’s what helped me: I started scheduling touch. Not sex just hand-holding while watching TV or leaning into him on the couch and I’d say out loud 'I’m trying to feel close again' — awkward as hell but it broke the numbness. We also took a weekend trip alone and didn’t talk about the future or kids or responsibilities at all just re-introduced ourselves like strangers who used to crush hard. Like you don’t have to trash nine years because the magic dimmed you might just need to restart the connection with intention instead of waiting for it to show up. And honestly telling him how you feel — not as an ultimatum but as an invitation — might be the scariest and best thing you do

Still love him but not in love anymore?

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